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Nondescript linguistic madness – Translation and language jokes

 Multilingualism

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching an American street performer do some juggling. The juggler notices the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a wooden crate and calls out: “Can you all see me now”?

The Englishman                Yes
The Frenchman                 Oui
The Spaniard                      Si
The German                       Ja

A noun and a verb sit at a bar

Verb: “Hey, wanna go back to my place and conjugate?”
Noun: “I decline.”

To make a long story short…

A missionary goes to Africa to visit a community, a very old, primitive tribal community. He gives a long sermon. For half an hour he tells a long anecdote, and then the interpreter stands up. He speaks only four words and everyone laughs uproariously. The missionary is puzzled. How is it possible that a story half an hour long can be translated in four words. What kind of amazing language is this? Puzzled, he says to the interpreter, “You have done a miracle. You have spoken only four words. I don’t know what you said, but how can you translate my story, which was so long, into only four words?”
The interpreter says, “Story too long, so I say, ‘He says joke — laugh!’ ”

The importance of pronunciation

On a visit to the United States, Charles de Gaulle was honoured at a banquet in the White House. Seated beside his wife was an official who spoke no French, but who tried to engage her in conversation by asking
“Madame de Gaulle, what do you think the most important thing in life is?”
“A penis”, she replied.
Overhearing, her husband said gently “I believe, my dear, that in English it is pronounced ‘appiness.”
– contributed by Ko D., Holland

Flawless English

An African chieftain flew to the United States to visit the president. When he arrived at the airport, a host of newsmen and television cameramen met him. One of the reporters asked the chief if he had a comfortable flight. The chief made a series of weird noises….”screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z-“…and then added in perfect English, “Yes, I had a very nice flight.”
Another reporter asked, “Chief, do you plan to visit the Washington Monument while you’re in the area? The chief made the same noises…”screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z”…and then said, “Yes, and I also plan to visit the White House and the Capitol Building.”
“Where did you learn to speak such flawless English?” asked the next reporter.
The chief replied, “Screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z…from the short-wave radio.”

Help!

Two translators on a ship are talking.
“Can you swim?” asks one.
“No” says the other, “but I can shout for help in nine languages.”

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Hieroglyphics

There were a group of archeologists who dug up a line of hieroglyphics that were, from left to right: a dog, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David. After years of study they came up with an explanation. They believed that this was a very wise group of people. First, they knew man had to have company, hence the dog. Next, they knew that they needed animals to help with work, so the donkey. The shovel was there because of their advanced knowledge of tools. Next, they knew that they had to eat, and that fish were the best source of food. Finally, they were a religious group and knew man had to have religion.
After the explanation, a man jumped up and said, “You fools, Hebrew is read from right to left! It says ‘Holy mackerel, dig the ass on that bitch!’

Ad slogans – “Loco”lization

Here is a look at how shrewd American business people translate their slogans into foreign languages:

  • The 4 wheel drive sport utility truck we know as a Montero was named “Pajero” for non-US markets, including Australia, where a large number of Argentineans & Uruguayans live — “pajero” in Spanish means “masturbator”.
  • Coors put its slogan, “Turn It Loose,” into Spanish, where it was read as “Suffer From Diarrhea.”
  • Chicken magnate Frank Perdue’s line, “It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken,” sounds much more interesting in Spanish: “It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate.”
  • When Vicks first introduced its cough drops on the German market, they were chagrined to learn that the German pronunciation of “v” is “f,” which in German is the guttural equivalent of “sexual penetration.”
  • Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product, only to learn that “Puff” in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse.
  • The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. “No Va” means “It Does Not Go” in Spanish. (Note: Steven M., a Spanish translator, has written to explain that this is actually false, an urban legend. Please see this site which sets the facts straight).
  • When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they translated their slogan, “Pepsi Brings You Back to Life” pretty literally. The slogan in Chinese really meant, “Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave.”
  • When Coca-Cola first shipped to China, they named the product something that when pronounced sounded like “Coca-Cola.” The only problem was that the characters used meant “Bite The Wax Tadpole.” They later changed to a set of characters that mean “Happiness In The Mouth.”
  • Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.
  • Clairol introduced the “Mist Stick”, a curling iron, into German only to find out that “mist” is German for manure. Not too many people had use for the “manure stick”.
  • When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what’s inside, since most people can’t read.
  • An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope’s visit. Instead of “I saw the Pope” (el Papa), the shirts read “I saw the potato” (la papa)
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Medical Terms

Two newlyweds went on their honeymoon and were getting undressed together for the first time. He took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored.
“What happened to your feet?” his wife asked.
“I had a childhood disease called tolio.”
“Don’t you mean polio?”
“No, tolio, it only affects the toes.” He then removed his pants and revealed an awful-looking pair of knees.
“What happened to your knees?” she asked.
“Well, I also had kneesles.”
“Don’t you mean measles?”
“No, kneesles – it only affects the knees.”
When he removed his shorts, his wife gasped and said, “Don’t tell me …. you also had smallcox!”

Cat and Mouse

A mouse is in his mouse hole and he wants to go out to get something to eat, but he’s afraid there might be a big cat outside, so he puts his ear by the opening and all he hears is “Bow Wow” so he thinks, “Well, there can’t be a cat out there because there’s a big old dog”, so he goes out of his mouse hole and is promptly caught and eaten by a cat, who licks his lips and says “It’s good to be bilingual !!”

The Pleasure of  Translation

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience. The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing. “Well” he explained” By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started : Ladies and Gentlemen”.
On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I’ll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin. When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. “Well” he explained” By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Deer Ladies and Gentlemen”.
On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I’ll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously. When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. “Well” he explained,” by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure…

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How to Make Money from Translation

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit’s head, and said,
“You’re under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I’ll blow your brains out.”
But the bandit didn’t speak English, and the Ranger didn’t speak Spanish.
As luck would have it, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger’s message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
“What did he say?” asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, “He said, ‘Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn’t dare shoot me.'”

Deadlines

Translator gets 400 words to translate.
Client : How long will it take?
Translator : About a week.
Client : A whole week for just 400 words? God created the world in 6
days.
Translator : Then just take a look at this world and afterwards take a
look at my translation.

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The Butchery of English, as ‘done’ across the world

  • In a Tokyo hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
  • In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.
  • In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
  • In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin shoudl enter more persons, each one should press number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
  • In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
  • In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
  • In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
  • In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
  • In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetry where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
  • In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to parambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
  • On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave nothing to hope for.
  • On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm’s own make limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fashion.
  • In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.
  • Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
  • In a Bangkok dry cleaner’s: Drop your trousers here for best results.
  • Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.
  • In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is a big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
  • Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
  • In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
  • In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.
  • A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
  • In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
  • In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by latest Methodists.
  • A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.
  • In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
  • In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours we guarantee no miscarriages.
  • Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?
  • On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock to right.
  • In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.
  • On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.
  • Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways.
  • In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today no ice cream.
  • In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
  • In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for ladies with nutes.
  • In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
  • On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
  • In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
  • At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
  • In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women an other diseases.
  • In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
  • In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.
  • From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
  • From the brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
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Gramatical Sex

A businessman arriving in Boston for a convention found that his first evening was free, and he decided to go find a good seafood restaurant that served Scrod, a Massachussetts specialty. Getting into a taxi, he asked the cab driver, “Do you know where I can get Scrod around here?” “Sure,” said the cabdriver. “I know a few places… but I can tell you it’s not often I hear someone use the third-person pluperfect indicative anymore!”

Language Barrier

Two highway workers were busy working at a construction site when a big car
with diplomatic license plates pulled up.
“Parlez-vous français?” the driver asks them. The two
workers just stared.
“Sprechen Sie Deutsch?” The two continued to stare at him.
“Fala português?” Neither worker said anything.
“Parlate Italiano?” Still no response.
Finally, the man drives off in disgust.
One worker turned to the other and said, “Gee, maybe we should learn a
foreign language…”
“What for? That guy knew four of them and what good did it do him?”

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The Most Powerful English Word

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is “F==K”. It is the magical word which, just by its sound can describe pain, pleasure, hate, and love. “F==K” falls into many grammatical categories.It can be used as a verb – both transitive (Dave f==ked Anne) and intransitive(Dave then f==ked off home). It can be used as an active verb (Dave f==ks Anne regularly) or as a passive verb (Anne is regularly f==ked by Dave). It makes a wonderful adjective (Anne is f==king beautiful) and can even be a noun (Dave is a fine f==k). So you see, there are not many words with the versatility of “F==K”. Besides its sexual connotations, this lovely word can be used to describe many situations :

  • aggression : Fuck you.
  • apathy : Who gives a fuck anyway?
  • denial : I didn’t fucking do it.
  • derision : He fucks everything up
  • despair : Fucked again.
  • difficulty : I don’t understand this fucking job.
  • disbelief : How the fuck did you do that?
  • dismay : Oh, fuck it.
  • displeasure : What the fuck is going on?
  • fraud : I got fucked by my insurance agent.
  • goodbye : Fuck off.
  • greeting : How the fuck are you?
  • incompetence : He’s all fucked up.
  • lost : Where the fuck are we?
  • mistake : That’s fucked it.
  • panic : Let’s get the fuck out of here.
  • perplexity : I know fuck all about it.
  • philosophical : Who gives a fuck?
  • rebellion : Fuck this for a game of soldiers.
  • resignation : Oh, fuck it.
  • retaliation : Up your fucking ass.
  • surprise : Fuck me.
  • suspicion : Who the fuck are you?
  • trouble : I guess I’m fucked now.
  • It can be…useful in describing anatomy : He’s a fucking asshole.
  • used to tell the time : It’s five fucking thirty.
  • used in business : How did I get this fucking job.
  • a predication : Oh, will I get fucked.
  • maternal : You great motherfucker.
  • nautical : Fuck the admiral.
  • political : Fuck Kinnock/Thatcher.
  • used to open a relationship : Let’s fuck.
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The word has, of course, been used by some very famous personages through the years, the more notable of them being :

  • What the fuck was that? Mayor of Hiroshima
  • Look at all those fucking Indians! General Custer
  • Where’s all that fucking water coming from? Captain of the Titanic
  • What a place to plant a fucking tree. Marc Bolan
  • That’s not a real fucking gun. John Lennon
  • The fucking throttle’s stuck! Donald Campbell
  • Who’s going to fucking know? President Nixon
  • I’m outside the fucking exclusion zone. Capt. of Gen. Belgrano
  • Heads are going to fucking roll! Anne Boleyn
  • Who let that fucking woman drive? Space Shuttle Captain
  • Watch him, he’ll have some fucker’s eye out. King Harold
  • I thought I could smell fucking petrol. Nikki Lauda
  • What fucking map? Mark Thatcher
  • It’s my best fucking coat. Michael Foot
  • She’s just a fucking secretary. Cecil Parkinson
  • He’s just a fucking mate. Jeremy Thorpe
  • Any fucker can understand that. Einstein
  • It fucking looks like her! Picasso
  • Where’s the fucking brakes on this thing. Donald Campbell
  • Where the fuck are we? Christopher Columbus
  • It’s a sunny day, we don’t need a fucking top on the car. JFK
  • What the fucks that coming down the ventilation shaft. Iraqi airbase staff
  • Nobody will give a fuck about the poll tax. Margaret Thatcher
  • How the fuck do we work that out? Pythagoras
  • You want what on the fucking ceiling?! Michaelangelo
  • I don’t suppose it’s fucking raining. Joan of Arc
  • I didn’t want to fucking go anyway. Sebastion Coe
  • I haven’t got a fucking clue. Miss Marples.
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EuroEnglish

The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty’s Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as “EuroEnglish”: —
In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard “c” will be dropped in favor of the “k”. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with the “f”. This will make words like “fotograf” 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent “e”‘s in the language is disgracful, and they should go away. By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”.
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaiining “ou” and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!

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Language Permutations

The following were among the winners in a New York Magazine contest in which contestants were to take a well-known expression in a foreign language, change a single letter, and provide a definition for the new expression.

  • HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS? | Can you drive a French motorcycle?
  • EX POST FUCTO | Lost in the mail
  • IDIOS AMIGOS | We’re wild and crazy guys!
  • VENI, VIPI, VICI | I came, I’m a very important person, I conquered.
  • COGITO EGGO SUM | I think; therefore I am a waffle.
  • RIGOR MORRIS | The cat is dead.
  • RESPONDEZ S’IL VOUS PLAID | Honk if you’re Scottish.
  • LE ROI EST MORT. JIVE LE ROI | The king is dead. No kidding.
  • POSH MORTEM | Death styles of the rich and famous
  • PRO BOZO PUBLICO | Support your local clown.
  • MONAGE A TROIS | I am three years old.
  • MAZEL TON | Tons of luck
  • APRES MOE LE DELUGE | Larry and Curly got wet.
  • ICH LIEBE RICH | I’m really crazy about having dough.
  • FUI GENERIS | What’s mine is mine.
  • CA VA SANS DIRT | And that’s not gossip.
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Quotes and Quips

based on Translation Quotes and Quips
By Dr. Frederick J. A. Mostert

According to the following table of translated animal expressions, it would appear that cats are the ones who have the least need for translators:

English French German Spanish Dutch
cock cock-a-doodle-
doo
coquerico kikeriki kikiriki kukeleku
dog bow-wow ouap-ouap waf-waf guav-guav woef-woef
cat me-aow mi-aou mi-auw mi-au mi-jauw

“Translations (like wives) are seldom faithful if they are in the least attractive.”
Roy Campbell: Poetry Review, June/July 1949

“The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.”
ITI Bulletin, 6, 7, 1990

Translators do it bilingually.
Interpreters do it simultaneously.
Linguists do it with their tongues.

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Phrases for Tourists Trespassing in Remote Jungles, or How to say “Oh my God! There’s an axe in my head” in various languages

  • Afrikaans: O Gode! Daar’s ‘n byl in my kop!
  • Alsatian: Lever Gott! Es esch a Axe en miner Kopf!
  • Ancient Greek: O Theos mou! Echo ten labrida en te mou kephale!
  • Assyrian: iliya pashum ina reshimi bashu
  • Babylonian: iliya pashu ina reshimi bashu
  • Bengali: Oh Allah! Amar mathar upor bash poreche.
  • Bosnian: Boje moj! Sjekira mi je u glavi.
  • Danish: Oh min gud! Der er en oekse i mit hoved.
  • Dutch: O, mijn God! Er zit een bijl in mijn hoofd.
  • English: Oh my god! There’s an axe in my head.
  • Esperanto: Mia Dio! Hakilo estas en mia kapo!
  • Finnish: Voi Luoja! Paassani on kirves!
  • French: Mon Dieu! Il y a une hache dans ma tete.
  • German: Oh mein Gott! Ich habe eine Axt im Kopf!
  • Greek: hristo mou! eho ena maheri sto kefali mou!
  • Hebrew: Elohim Adirim! Yesh Garzen Ba-Rosh Sheli
  • Hindi: Hay Bhagwaan! Mere sar mein kulhaadi hain.
  • Hungarian: Jaj Istenem, de fejsze van a fejemben!!
  • Icelandic: Gud minn godur! Thad er o:xi i ho:fdinu a mer.
  • Irish: Mo Dhia! Ta’ tua sa mo cheann.
  • Italian: Dio mio! C’e’ un’ ascia nella mia testa!
  • Japanese: ahh, kamisama! watashe no atama ni ono ga arimasu.
  • Klingon: ghay’cha’! nachwIjDaq betleH tu’lu’!
  • Latin: Deus Meus! Securis in capite meo est.
  • Latvian: Ak Dievs! Man ir cirvis galva!
  • Malayalam: Entey Deiwame, entey thalayil oru kodali undei.
  • Maltese: Alla tieghi, ghandi mannara f’rasi
  • Maori: Ave Te Ariki! He toki ki roto taku mahuna!
  • Marathi: Aray Devaa! Majhyaa dokyaat kurhaad aahay.
  • Middle Egyptian: in Amun! iw minb m tp-i!
  • Norwegian: Herre Gud! Jeg har en øks i hodet!
  • Pig Latin: Oay ayemay odgay! airsthay anay axeay inay ayemay eadhay!
  • Polish: O Moj Boze! Mam siekiere w glowie!
  • Portuguese: Meu Deus! Tenho um machado na cabeca!
  • Russian: Bozhe moi! Eto topor v moyei golove!
  • Slovenian: Moj Bog! Sekiro imam v glavi.
  • Spanish:¡Dios mio! ¡Hay un hacha en mi cabeza!
  • Swahili: Siyo! (Huko) Shoka yangu kichwanil!
  • Swedish: Ah, Herregud! Jag har en yxa i huvudet!
  • Tagalong: Ay Dios ko! May palakol sa ulo ko!
  • Visigothic: Meina guth, Ikgastaldan aqizi-wunds meina haubida.
  • Welsh: O Dduw – mae ‘na fwyell yn fy mhen i!

Latin for All Occasions

From Henry Beard’s “Latin for All Occasions”. Impress the hell out of your friends, with these little known Latin mottos and colloquialisms.

Eng: I think that Elvis is still alive.
Latin: Credo Elvem ipsum etian vivere.

Eng: Garbage in, garbage out.
Latin: Purgamentum init, exit purgamentum.

Eng: If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
Latin: Si fractum non sit, noli id reficere.

Eng: Baby, sweetheart, would I lie to you?
Latin: Amicule, deliciae, num is sum qui mentiar tibi?

Eng: I’d like to buy some condoms.
Latin: Volo comparare nonnulla tegumembra.

Eng: Your fly is open.
Latin: Braccae tuae aperiuntur.

Eng: Your place or mine?
Latin: Apudne te vel me?

Eng: I’ll have a pizza with everything on it.
Latin: Da mihi sis crustum Etruscum cum omnibus in eo.

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Translations: Southern United States to English

BARD – verb. Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow.”
Usage: “My brother bard my pickup truck.”

JAWJUH – noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck.”

MUNTS – noun. A calendar division.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I aint herd from him
in munts.”

IGNERT – adjective. Not smart. See “Auburn Alumni.”
Usage: “Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!”

RANCH – noun. A tool.
Usage: “I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother
from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago.”

ALL – noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: “I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.”

FAR – noun. A conflagration.
Usage: “If my brother from Jawjuh doesn’t change the all in my pickup truck,
that things gonna catch far.”

TARRED – adjective. Exhausted.
Usage: “I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred.”

RATS – noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: “We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats.”

FARN – adjective. Not local.
Usage: “I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed … must be from some farn country.”

EAR – noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: “He can’t breathe … give ’em some ear!”

GUMMIT – Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: “Great … ANOTHER gummit shutdown!”

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The Importance of Punctuation

From: Games Magazine (1984)

Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior.You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we’re apart. I can be forever happy–will you let me be yours?
Gloria

Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior.You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we’re apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?
Yours, Gloria

Neologism Contest

Once again, The Washington Post has published the  winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are  asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.

The winners  are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2.  Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3.  Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4.  Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly  (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which  you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to  walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9.  Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by  a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding  hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12.  Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by  proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14.  Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with  Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The  belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck  there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts  worn by Jewish men.

The Washington Post’s Style Invitational also asked  readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting,  or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year’s  winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that  stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows  little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any  misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

3.  Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject  financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n):  Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf  between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get  it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are  running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8.  Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra  credit.)

10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the  day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All  talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid  ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic  fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked  through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a  mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be  cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a  grub in the fruit you’re eating.

And the pick of the  literature:

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who’s both stupid and an  asshole.

 

“Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized”

These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in NHS
Hospitals Greater Glasgow, Scotland:

1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

3. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with
only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it
disappeared.

7.. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to
be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but
forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life
until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical
therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his
airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate
directions in early December.

31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should
sit on the abdomen and I agree.

32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job
as a stock broker instead.

33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was
feeling better.