Translation and language jokes for the technical crowd
Glossary of Computer Terms
People are always complaining about the confusing terminology that you have to understand in order to communicate with (or about) computers. No longer. This little glossary should help you understand much better.
Term |
What it means. |
| 640K barrier | the finish line in a mega-marathon |
| access time | foreplay |
| analog | what Ana tosses into the fire |
| assembly language | put tab A into slot B, then put tab C… |
| audit trail | what the IRS does |
| bandwidth | limited by the size of the stage |
| battery backup | going in reverse in a golf cart |
| BBS | t-telling t-tall s-stories |
| benchmark | what happens when your saw hits the bench |
| broadband | an all female rock group |
| cache memory | remembering how much you spent |
| carrier detect | “I see the mail man!” |
| CASE | 24 bottles |
| Control Character | prison guard |
| conventional memory | remembering what you did at COMDEX |
| copy protection | wearing a rubber |
| copyright | vs. copy wrong |
| cursor | a garbage mouth |
| daisy chain | a dog’s leash |
| DAT | the opposite of DIS |
| deadly embrace | making love to King Kong |
| delimiter | some who says, “Stop, that’s enough” |
| density | how to measure IQs of blondes |
| DIP switch | how my sister gets a new boy friend |
| dot pitch | “Dorothy winds ups, and delivers a knuckle ball” |
| EBCDIC | similar to herpes |
| EMS | happens just before PMS |
| end user | a prisoner’s cell mate |
| escape sequence | Distract guard. Dig tunnel. Cut throw fence… |
| Ethernet | used to catch Etherbunny |
| fixed disk | a broken disk that comes back from the shop |
| flash EPROM | what they have on 90210 (Flashy Proms) |
| flat bed scanner | a hooker looking for loose change |
| flat file | a file with all the air out of it |
| full duplex | a 2-family house with 16 occupants |
| groupware | clothes swapping |
| hacker | a heavy smoker |
| half-height drive | a midget’s sexual capacity |
| hand scanner | singles bar prowler looking for wedding rings |
| heap | what I drive |
| high density diskette | a very stupid floppy |
| home computer | what you tell your computer when it follows you |
| hypertext | text on amphetamines |
| ink jet | a plane used for sky writing |
| integrated circuit | a circuit with both black & white components |
| joystick | (requires little explanation) |
| local bus | stops at every intersection |
| lost chains | euphoria experienced by the recently divorced |
| low-level language | for basement programmers |
| high-level language | for penthouse programmers |
| machine dependency | an addiction of machine users |
| mag tape | tape used on the wheels of cars |
| mainframe | akin to “main squeeze” |
| main memory | remembering where the water line is |
| math coprocessor | the person you cheated from in math class |
| megaflop | the worst play you ever saw |
| minicomputer | the peer to Mickey’s computer |
| modem | what the gardener did to the lawns |
| multi-sync | can be sunk more than once |
| native mode | head hunting |
| on-line | where the birds sit |
| overlay | chickens making too many eggs |
| pentium | the thing that swings back-and-forth on a clock |
| plotter | a deceitful person |
| postscript | graffiti on a pole |
| protected memory | remembering to wear a condom |
| record locking | what you do to your Beatles’ White Album |
| right justified | vs. wrongly justified |
| software piracy | stealing a ship’s program |
| spreadsheet | a hooker’s foreplay |
| streaming tape | party decorations |
| subroutine | not quite routine |
| surge protector | a condom |
| token ring | a group of people passing the bong |
| trackball | what sprinters and runners often get |
| word wrap | black music |
| worksheet | a prostitutes office |
| Ymodem | because, modem |
For another source of “daffy”nitions – see Avi Bidani.
The Saga of Management Review of Writing Style
QUESTION: How many feet do mice have?
Original reply: Mice have four feet.
Management Comment: Elaborate!
Revision 1: Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet.
Comment: No discussion of fifth appendage!
Revision 2: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet and one is a tail.
Comment: What? Feet with no legs?
Revision 3: Mice have four legs, four feet and one tail per unit-mouse.
Comment: Confusing — is that a total of 9 appendages?
Revision 4: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body.
Comment: Does not fully discuss the issue!
Revision 5: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail is not equipped with a foot.
Comment: Descriptive? Yes. Forceful? NO!
Revision 6: Allotment appendages for mice will be: Four leg-foot assemblies, one tail. Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would constitute misapportionment of scarce appendage assets.
Comment: Too authoritative; stifles creativity!
Revision 7: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system. Also attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and ornamental in nature.
Comment: Too verbose/scientific. Answer the question!
FINAL REVISION APPROVED BY MANAGEMENT: Mice have four feet.
Buzzwords for Managers
| 0. | integrated | 0. | management | 0. | options |
| 1. | heuristic | 1. | organizational | 1. | flexibility |
| 2. | systematized | 2. | monitored | 2. | capability |
| 3. | parallel | 3. | reciprocal | 3. | mobility |
| 4. | functional | 4. | digital | 4. | programming |
| 5. | responsive | 5. | logistical | 5. | scenarios |
| 6. | optional | 6. | transitional | 6. | time-phase |
| 7. | synchronized | 7. | incremental | 7. | projection |
| 8. | compatible | 8. | third-generation | 8. | hardware |
| 9. | futuristic | 9. | policy | 9. | contingency |
The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number; then select the corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance, number 257 produces “systematized logistical projection”, a phrase that can be dropped into virtually any report with that ring of decisive knowledgeable authority. No one will have the remotest idea of what you’re talking about, but the important thing is that THEY ARE NOT ABOUT TO ADMIT IT.
Technology Terminology – WWW (World Wide Wait) Technology Terminology
Link Rot | The process by which links on a web page became obsolete as the sites they’re connected to change location or die.
Crapplet | A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. “I just wasted 30 minutes downloading this stinkin’ crapplet!”
Under Mouse Arrest | Getting busted for violating an online service’s rule of conduct. “Sorry I couldn’t get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest.”
404 | Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web message – “404, URL Not Found,” meaning that the document you’ve tried to access can’t be located. “Don’t bother asking him…he’s 404, man.”
Dead Tree Edition | The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms, as in: “The dead tree edition of the San Francisco Chronicle…”
Egosurfing | Scanning the net, databases, print media, or research papers looking for the mention of your name.
Graybar Land | The place you go while you’re staring at a computer that’s processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the screen). “I was in graybar land for what seemed like hours, thanks to that CAD rendering.”
Cobweb Site | A World Wide Web Site that hasn’t been updated for a long time. A dead web page.
Keyboard Plaque | The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards. “Are there any other terminals I can use? This one has a bad case of keyboard plaque.”
Bookmark | To take note of a person for future reference (a metaphor borrowed from web browsers). “I bookmarked him after seeing his cool demo at Siggraph.”
Acronyms – Abbreviations Coded Really Ominously Nullifying Your Memory System
| PCMCIA | People Can’t Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms |
| SCSI | System Can’t See It |
| DOS | Defunct Operating System |
| BASIC | Bill’s Attempt to Seize Industry Control |
| IBM | I Blame Microsoft |
| CD-ROM | Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months |
| OS/2 | Obsolete Soon, Too |
| ISDN | I Simply Don’t Know |
